Don't Disturb This Groove

November 19, 2019 in music

I love it when an album perfectly matches my mood and the music allows me to enjoy or wallow in whatever the state I am in.

There are, however, many albums in Jazz that breaks up my mood and disrupt the activities I’m engaged in. Totally schizophrenic. I have to stop reading or driving (rather, paying attention to the road) or crying or reminiscing so that I can fast forward to where music and I are back in sync. It’s annoying. I get why some cats would do that. You want your album to have a range and you want to show the world what you are capable of. I just wish that you would do that over multiple albums and not in one disc. And I don’t mean for any album to be mono-tone but I like it when an album has a certain vibe and it manages to let me soak in it from beginning to end.

Me’Shell N’degeocello is a master of that. Her albums are totally different from one to the other and each one has a very distinct feel. I know which one to listen to when I’m happy and which one to listen to when I’m depressed.

Camaraderie

November 18, 2019 in music

I asked Google for the definition of “camaraderie” and it said: mutual trust and friendship among people who spend a lot of time together. This, to me, is one of the core values of Jazz. It is also one of my favorite things about Jazz.

In general, I don’t like making fanfares over a “special occasion.” I want things to be cool in a very understated kind of way. I also don’t like to be asked, “what’s good at The Jazz Gallery?” because everyday is special at The Gallery. Lol. At least that’s how I feel. So when Roy’s would-have-been-50th Birthday was approaching, I wasn’t going to do anything special at first. I feel that The Jazz Gallery keeps doing what it does everyday and that is the best tribute to Roy and his legacy: but then it came to me one day that there is a way to honor his memory and to celebrate him on this, after all, a special day. Jam Session! Of course. What else?

Two things come to my mind when I think of Roy. His enormous love of music and the generosity of his spirit on the bandstand. When he passed away, everyone, I mean everyone had a story of their interactions and encounters with Roy at a jam session some place in the world: NYC, Europe, Japan, Cuba, or wherever. He would go anywhere and play with anyone.

FRAGILE

November 03, 2019 in poetry

Fragile

This egg will remain a secret until it hatches
I will hold it just so
Not too tightly
Not without fear
I will appreciate its eggness
I am not going to rush it
To be anything
Other than what it is until it is not
I have already known that
It will eventually
Break the shell
It will hatch
And I will not be able to put it back together
Into an egg
So
I am going to cherish
Its newness
Its warmth
Dreams and hopes and possibilities it holds inside
I will hold the egg in my quiet place
Because it is just for me
And it is so dear
No need to expose it to extreme heat nor harsh wind
I will hold it in my heart
Gently
Lovingly
What will it be?
I hope I like what I meet
Just as beautiful as precious as this egg
I will wait for the opening
The egg tucked in the folds of my heart

WHAT WORKS

September 30, 2019 in life

’m realizing that there really is something to following one’s own bliss.

More than one person has said to me, “you have literally saved my life.” Each time the sentence was directed to me, I would be struck by the enormity of the statement and I would think to myself, “surely s/he does not literally mean that.” But they do. S/he would then go on to explain how and why and what they were going through at that time. They somehow feel that without the projects/support I have proposed, they would have lost it. It being their will to go on and/or will to go on doing what they love the most (which is kind of the same thing).

So I thought about it. Why that was.

PAPA, DON'T PREACH

August 10, 2019 in life

Fathers MUST spoil their daughters.

This scientific conclusion has been drawn from the decades of experiments I have conducted upon myself. I realized that my comfort level/my happy place, grinded in my psyche deeply by my father in my super early years, is what is creating my attraction to a certain type of men. After careful analysis, lol, the pattern has emerged. Every single guy I find attractive reminds me of my father in some ways and of a relationship I had/have with my father. No wonder I’m f*$(ed. I’m thinking that there is this natural attraction to a guy but it turned out that I’m just repeating one particular scenario that is comfortable and familiar to me. Over and again.

Comfortable and familiar scenarios, in this context, for many many women are not good ones, unfortunately. We often find ourselves emotionally and spiritually and sometimes financially deprived and we wonder, how did I get myself here? Haven’t I met the love of my life? Weren’t we happy in the beginning? I don’t really know what happened? How does this always happen to me?

A SECRET OF MY SUCCESS

July 29, 2019 in life

I didn’t quit.

If anyone asks me a secret of my success, I think that would pretty much sums it up. Yes, there are details involved in how I didn’t quit and knowing where I wanted to go and having a dream and believing in myself and all that but when it comes down to it, I didn’t quit.

Believe me. There have been many many times (in hindsight, though) where quitting seemed to be either an unavoidable or a sensible choice. Honestly, I’m still amazed that The Jazz Gallery is still standing and we are doing so much more than just standing. Really.

because

July 02, 2019 in poetry

in this suspended un-reality

we caress our dreams and wishes

bathing in bliss

love is easily consumed reproduced then

it is wasted

we are wasted

cause just because

DEBT YOU CAN'T SETTLE

June 21, 2019 in life

Time is the most valuable gift anyone can give you.

When someone takes time and pay attention to you and spend some energy for you, that is the ultimate gift. Present. It is precious because there is no taking back nor repaying that debt. It is given and that is it.

So when you are late, when you are not present, I consider that an ultimate dis. I'm giving you something that I can't earn nor multiply nor have credits. My time on this planet is severely limited and is beyond my control. Yes, it is my choice to give that to you but please consider the significance of it.

But if you are present, if you cherish the gift, the time does multiply and transcend. It is an expansive and malleable thing. Time. You can make it as thick and dense and at the same time soaring as you wish. Or it can be a rigid confinement. It's all up to us.

Show love. Show up. Be on time. Because when you are on that beat blissfully, you can glimpse the lightness of eternity. Be present. Be a present.

KNOW THY$ELF

June 17, 2019 in music, life

It is important that you know what your worth is.

There are a few different levels to this but right now I’m specifically speaking of your value in the marketplace. This is the value of yourself that can be translated in the dollar bills. This assessment requires a bit of objectivity (although I believe that we are not capable of objectivity but that’s a whole another post.) You need to calmly see yourself in relationships to others on the market and understand where you stand. You don’t need to be overly humble and you don’t want to overestimate. If you need an opinion of trusted (and honest and loving, I might add) friends, that might be a good idea. I can give you my assessment on the issue but I am known to be too honest and it’s not recommended for everyone. Lol.

Another thing you need to know is when to/when not to ask to have your full value paid in cash money. There are times that it makes sense for you to take the gig despite that sad bread. It is good for you to know that certain gigs bring you other benefits (and this type of situation usually calls for your long-game thinking) that outweighs an immediate cash money. In these situations, it pays for you to graciously do the gig and not make any fuss about money. In the long run. Again, I can help you if you are not sure.

UNEXPECTED

May 27, 2019 in poetry

it seems fragile
and its beauty makes me uneasy
so i drop it
time and again
and once more
it somehow makes sense to me
this madness
i do not want it to shatter but
if it does
it would probably be
sadly comforting
but it is resilient
solid
and i unhold my breath
just for the moment
once again.

To Sustain

May 24, 2019 in life

When you are just starting out as a young musician, you are probably under an false impression that your ability to play a.k.a. Killingness is the thing that will help you succeed. Well, if you are Mark Turner/Eric Harland/Chris Potter special, yes. That applies. For 98% of the jazz school graduates, that won’t be the case.

Most of the gigs you will be doing, you will do as a side-person. You should be proficient in your craft and your game should be tight and you should continue to evolve and expand, of course. But there are other basic common sense stuff that helps you create your place in music.

I have been in NYC for almost 30 years and I have seen many many many cats come and go, not because they can’t play but because they didn’t have people pulling their coattail to the fact that jazz is a long game and you should approach it as such; the fact that you are playing with and for people. Having good working relationships with (most) everyone is really important. It’s not so much who know but how you know them is what counts.

So here are my two-cents to create and sustain your place in music:

OWN IT

May 22, 2019 in life, music

The truth is nobody owes you anything.

Nobody has to eat your food. Nobody has to wear your clothes. Nobody has to read your books. And nobody has to listen to your music. We are all doing what we are doing because we want to. It’s kinda important for us to really realize that, especially if we want to be eaten/read/listened/appreciated.

I sometimes read artists gripe about their lives in social media. I’m okay with casual venting in passing. I think we all do that and it’s nice to know that we are not alone in suffering some dumb human stuff; it’s comforting to know that the best of us struggle and that we have so much in common. It is, after all, not easy being artists for living.

What I find puzzling is when the posts are bitter and they are framed in ways that somehow everything bad/hard/out of control is everyone else’s fault: somehow the hardships are bestowed upon them without their consent and they are unjust. I’m like, really? I haven’t met any musicians whose arms were twisted to play jazz. It’s your choice. Nobody asked you to and nobody forced you to. You wanted to do it. So then you got to own the fact that you wanted it. Hardship and all. And you have to embrace it all. You can’t freely choose your own profession (being an artist at that!) and then complain when things do not go the way you want them to go. That is just counter productive.

On Love #5

April 26, 2019 in poetry

i wish to love you

the way i love the sun

with casual disregard

occasional gratitude

totally taking it for granted

with blind faith

that it will alway be.

THE THING THAT ENDURES

April 21, 2019 in life

People don’t change and that has been my experience. And that is a good thing.

Yes, we can make superficial changes and modify our behaviors. We can learn to eat better and we can adopt kinder responses to people and situations. Our viewpoints can shift and grow and we can learn to do things better and accept more and tame our impulses.

But in the core of core, we remain the same person. What moves us and, more importantly, what makes us rigid almost never budge. Our most protective instinct is like a core of the Earth that spins and determines the general workings of who we are. I don’t know for sure what shapes our basal m.o., but I’d say for 99.9% of the time, it’s like the black matter that refuses to be modified.

Almost everyone disagrees with me when I say this; many will also say that I’m so pessimistic. That’s cool. But I find it more peaceful and loving to deal with other people with this perspective and accept each person as they are with no expectations for change. You have two choices: you take it or you leave it. I want to be accepted and loved just the way I am. It’s hard for me to change things about myself even if I really want to (and these are superficial things!) and even if I try really hard. It’s not fair for me to expect this of others when it’s this hard for me. And I don’t want others to expect that of me. That’s too much and that’s not fair for anyone. This is especially true in an intimate relationship setting.

IT'S NOT YOU. IT'S....

April 02, 2019 in music

The process of grant application seems to be a mysterious one for many jazz musicians.

While I can’t help you with the process itself, I thought maybe I can help you understand how these things are done and what goes on behind the closed door and how best to approach it. It might not help with producing the result you desire (you’ll see why as you read on) but it will hopefully take some stress out of it.

I have sat on a number of grant adjudication panels at this point. When I was asked to do so for the very first time maybe about 10 years ago, I was really scared and nervous. I felt like I didn’t know enough and I didn’t have enough experience and I wasn’t expert enough. On that particular panel, it turned out that I knew more than anyone else in the room; not only about the music itself but also about budgeting and other logistical stuff. I also felt that I listened better than others in the room. After all, that’s what I do for living. And I thought to myself, “WTF.” I had been doing what I’m doing long enough to know that I didn’t know much and I needed to know more. I realized during that panel meeting that I am an expert in the field not because I have expert knowledge but mostly by comparison.

I was hoping that this is not the norm.

Build Your Own

March 31, 2019 in life

You can ride the bandwagon if you want to but you might not make it to the destination.

A long time ago, a good friend and a consummate music professional said to me, “Rio, you got to have your own platform.” I did understand the sentence and it totally made sense to me but I didn’t have enough experiences under my belt to know what that really meant nor the wisdom in that advise.

When I first started working at The Jazz Gallery, I thought I wanted to do bigger things in the future: bigger projects, bigger venues, and bigger artists. I thought that was the thing to do and I thought the way to achieve any goal is to network and to be noticed by people who were already somebody. I thought once someone takes notice of me and what I was doing, I would be pulled up to one of their wagons and I would ride that into sunset. I thought that notoriety and fame and power and authority of these people would rub off on me and I’ll be all set.

Not really.

Here / Now

March 19, 2019 in poetry

you know nothing and everything about me

you don't know how i take my coffee

nor my best friend's name

but there are moments

you move me like you made me

you reveal hidden switches

and teach me secrets about me

my boundary blurs senses sharpen gravity disappears

we expand infinitely contract instantaneously

and time floats lazily sheltering me/you here/now

NO BAD NEWS

March 18, 2019 in life

Good news can wait. Good news will always be good news and it doesn’t concern when it is told.

Not the case with the bad news. Bad news has a way of turning as the time passes. You have to bring bad news as swiftly as possible to avoid further complications.

This is one of the things I learned in a trial-and-error-style. Not a very fun way to learn but it always drives the message home. Hard. Sometimes I’d double booked a date by mistake. Sometimes, I promised artists certain amount of money and yet things happened that made it impossible to make good on the promises. Shit happens. It is unavoidable. What can be avoided is making the situations worse than they already are. Once you realize that there is a bad news to be delivered, you have to deliver it immediately and deal with the situation courageously. You gotta own the mistakes without making excuses.

There was a time I dragged my feet in delivering the bad news. I so wanted to avoid the uncomfortable conversations and I let it go on way too long to the point that there was no time to correct the mistakes or come up with solutions or cancel whatever it was entirely. Should I have delivered the bad new right away, there would have been a time to digest the news and come up with the solutions. If I had to cancel the gig, it would have been better to do it a month before rather than 2 days before. If I had to reschedule something, it is better to have an ample time to do it. And I didn’t have to come up with excuses as to why I waited so long to deliver the news.

Honesty Is Overrated

March 04, 2019 in life

Honesty is so tricky.

It sounds like a virtue we all should strive for yet most of us don’t know really how to handle it. People speak as though they do value the quality/action yet it is often explosive and controversial and it can turn things very quickly.

I think about this alot. Partly because I’m in a position where I hear people says all the time that they’d rather hear an honest opinion. It’s been my experience that it is not true. Not at all. Very very very few of us can handle honesty. I’d like to think that I do; I’d like to think that I handle it with patience. I don’t like hearing about myself or that I have done something less than righteous but I’d like to think that I at least sit with it. It’s always rough, though.

I think deciphering the motivation of each case of honesty is helpful. Is it meant to hurt me? Is it meant to help me? Is it coming from a place of love? I also need to check myself: did I ask for things that I’m not ready to hear?; Am I too proud to open my ears?; or did I just want to be affirmed and I was passive-aggressive about it?

It has happened to me quite a number of times that I was told to give an honest opinion and then I opened my mouth only to realize that I was supposed to give them their expected version of “honest” opinion. This happened more times than I’d like it to happen. I am very weary when people ask me for my honest opinion. Because they don’t really mean that. People wants to hear what they want to hear and everything else is dismissed.

Ordinary

February 14, 2019 in poetry

simply to sit across from each other to share
a meal stories smiles laughter
and some photos that you can never find on your cell phone

to drive in silence side by side
surrounded by the night
large orange moon looking out, for what it seems like, just us

to be in the space as me as you
not needing a touch a kiss nor embrace
because we are caressed by you me we here

to fall into sleep with the warmth of not your own
Like two happy children
my skin warming up to yours and yours cooling down to mine

to say good morning and making it a really good one
talking about nothing and everything while doing something else
and like a glimpse of can be.